The Ball's in Your Court

by Herman Palmberg, Entertainment Editor

Star Sex, the rather inauspicious debut of West Coast rockers Abysmal Crucifix, left a bad taste in my mouth after the first listen. I listened to it again — I have to, after all — and while it got better on subsequent spins, it's by no means a masterpiece.

The lyrics tread on awkward descriptions of sexual activities, best exemplified by its lead-off track, "Phone Sex." Phone sex is a pleasurable experience had by many, be it two people in a loving long-distance relationship or a stranger calling the anonymous phone lines advertised during late-night reruns of Kolchak: The Night Stalker. "Phone Sex" describes an experience with the latter, and while the tune is joyful, there's a darkness behind the lyrics. Lines like, "Baby, I'm wet. it's like a river, / flowing past the forest of pubies," have an unseemly quality that will make listeners squirm with discomfort.

If you can get past the lyrics — I had trouble — you'll find mildly sophisticated music and interesting production (especially considering this is the debut release of a band on a label I've never heard of — usually this type of record sounds like a puke puddle). However, very little of it resembles heavy metal. Abysmal Crucifix has become notorious in Los Angeles for wild, puerile stage shows and a hard-edged sound that can't be beat. You won't find this edgy sound here. While most of the tunes flat-out rock (particularly "Sexual Enforcer" and "Drop Your Pants and Kick 'Em to Me"), the music here simply isn't special. Perhaps principal songwriter Girth McDürchstein (would you guess this is a stage name?) spreads himself too thin by trying to branch out into sophisticated jazz ("Star Sex," "The Cocksuckin' Man Theme") and symphonic instrumentals ("Shitfest," the record's 20-minute closer) with mixed results. If he and first-time producer Carlos Ueberschaer had harnessed the manic energy of their live shows, perhaps Star Sex could have been something special.

You'll notice a wishy-washy tone in this review. You could say that I liked it, primarily for its ambition and for the half of the album that legitimately rocks. Who knows how you'll feel? To quote McDürchstein: the ball's in your court.

Reprinted from Clear Dreamz, February 1996